The 10 People I'd Like to Give Paper Cuts to Today

1// The one that Instagrams a picture flaunting their goods and plays it off like they're not. I probably see this once a day and it tortures me. I'm scrolling through my instafeed and then BAM, tatas all up in my face yet the caption and hashtags say something like "Blah it's Monday again, but hey at least I'm wearing my new shoes". Come again what?! Your shoes?! How bout "HERE ARE MY TITS EVERYBODY, STARE AT THEM!"

2// The one that chews like their jaws are as strong as Megalodon. Yes I am going to play out the Shark Week jokes for as long as I can. No I do not apologize for it. Especially if you are one of these chomper people. Like do you get so carried away with what you're doing that you forget your mouth is yapping at the speed of a chihuahua? It really just blows my mind. And makes me want to punch you. But speaking of chihuahuas...

3// The one that snoozes through sixteen and a half different alarms. If you know you have to be up by, say, 8:30am then why don't you just set an alarm for, say, 8:30am? Why one at 7:00, 7:30, 8:00, 8:12, 8:21, 8:28, 8:29, etc. Someone explain this concept to me stat before I lose all faith in humanity.

4// The one that tweets eleventy tweets in a row entering every single giveaway in blogland. I will unfollow you. Dead ass. Don't tempt me.

5// The one that writes essay long Facebook statuses about their dead beat baby daddy. You aren't making yourself look like the mother of the century by making your sex mistake look like a father that should rot in hell. You're actually just looking like a crazy person. P.S. lawyers and courts can check that shit during custody battles so I'd check yourself before you wreck yourself honey bunches of oats. Oh and guess what. That fight with your baby daddy that you think is earth shattering news?

6// The one that has really long fingernails that are also pointed at the ends instead of round. You think people are thinking: "Damn mami, you're lookin' fly". What people actually are thinking: "Ratchet coke whore of a porn star." Wait, did I just say that...?

7// The one that zooms passed backed up traffic by taking the exit lane but then cuts back in at the last possible moment. Thank the good lord above that I drive maybe five times out of the entire year (thank you New York City livin') because I'd probably be in jail by now if I experienced this constantly. If I'm sitting my ass in a lane of cars backed up to China then I sure as hell expect everyone else to be doing the same.

8// The one that leaves completely non-personal and selfish blog comments. "Hi! I followed you now please make sure you follow me on the right account or else my likes won't actually increase." Are you for really real right now chick? I'm going to go with a big fat N-O on all accounts with this one.

9// The one that doesn't know how to differentiate between "you and me" and "you and I" correctly. I have been seeing this everywhere lately. In blogland, in real-land, on Facebook, on Twitter, in my dreams. Okay not in my dreams but it's getting there. If you're saying "Make sure you linkup with Tinkerbelle and I tomorrow!" then you should slap yourself silly. And then learn this rule so you stop looking like a second grader: take out the other person that's with you in the sentence (in this case, Tinkerbelle) and see if it sounds right. "Make sure you linkup with I tomorrow" sounds like you should be hanging out with that chick with the pointy fingernails. Switch that ish.

10// The one that isn't "an animal person". Well then I'm not a "you person" because who on earth can actually look at this and not want to hop in a car headed straight to buy a rolly polly olly like this little guy?